Month: August 2021

IS LOVE REALLY WORTH IT?

This past weekend was marked with ‘mixed feelings,’ for me, as we dropped off MO in his college dormitory. I was elated that he was starting college but I was undeniably nervous about letting him go on this new journey, which will involve him making some decisions independently. Another parent, who parked next to our car bawled uncontrollably outside her car as her son wheeled off his luggage to his dorm. ‘Sweets’ got down from our car to console and congratulate her. Amidst her tears, she looked up and thanked him and sobbed quietly. Once he got back into our car; she got into her car and cried some more😩. As parents, we sometimes ask ourselves, is our love worth it?

“Without love, we are nothing.” Love is powerful. It can’t be bottled up and will always be expressed. It is like a perfume and when it is opened, it spreads or diffuses our surrounding. Love can heal and soothe anyone. It can touch and change someone’s life for the better and can even turn your enemies into friends. Well meaning parents truly love their children without expecting anything in return. Love, which comes only from God, is deposited in us as parents. We receive love or observe it and unconsciously extend it to our offsprings. As a child grows, the parent nurture and protect the love she/he has for the child and, like a seed, it germinates beneficial fruits and results in the future.

Someone once said, ‘Love is a complicated thing.’ Sometimes, you can’t explain or describe it. Some may say it can hurt or cause people to act irrationally. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7. explains how love should be demonstrated. “It is easier said than done, right?;” so it needs to be intentional. As parents we should be intentional to forgive our children when they wrong us. We should also put in the effort to nurture and protect the love we have for our children.

Is love really worth it, especially when the outcome of a relationship turns out to be one that we don’t expect- like a failed relationship between parent/child, siblings, best friends, husband/wife, etc? Leigh Liebmann said in her blog that ‘Love is not dependent on the outcome.’ You took the high road and sowed the seed of love even when the person you loved (and still love) didn’t reciprocate- be encouraged because God didn’t forget your labor of love .” Your genuine seed of love to others will yield a bountiful harvest of love in the future. Call it ‘Karma.’ if you wish.

Is love really worth it or was your love really worth it? I can’t answer this question but if we love the next person like a parent genuinely loves a child- when we practice forgiveness and are consciously, or with intentionality, nurturing and protecting our love for the next person, our world will be a better place.

So my family was officially done with this summer holidays and ready to head back home. Everything was set- COVID tests booked and taken, bags pretty much packed and ready for the airport; at this point, we are mentally focused and ready to kick off, in a few days, the 2021/2022 school year and final and 4th quarter in 2021.

Our COVID results were and are still in limbo, and we had to rebook new COVID tests and make new reservations.. There were no available seats that could take all of us and we simply had to book the first available airline seat we could find. This meant that the family had to split up. ‘Sweets’ (not pictured) booked the two teenagers to fly out first, myself and my pre-teen second, and he on a much later flight. At the end of the day, the teens missed their flights due to the very tight schedule that they had to cope with, and the various arrival times at our destination were not what we expected. The results: ‘Sweets,’ who was the on the much later flight ended up being the first to arrive at our destination. He who was last became first to arrive home.

How many times have you seen ‘the race is not to the swift’ scenario play out. Recall the story about the hare and the tortoise. The hare was so confident that it would win the race due to its stature but it got distracted and, alas, the tortoise won the race.

Just because you are late in the race doesn’t mean you won’t be first to finish and just because you are first to get into the game doesn’t guarantee you winning the game. Being fast doesn’t guarantee ‘winning’ and being slow doesn’t guarantee ‘losing.’ Either position isn’t necessarily bad. Results in life are all part of the beautiful plan that God has for you and me. So friend, chin up, don’t be discouraged, if you feel unaccomplished. The race is indeed not always to the Swift.

RAISING BOYS- FINDING A MIDDLE GROUND TO MAKE YOUR PARENT- SON RELATIONSHIP WORK

Two Sundays ago, I took this photo of my older son’s (MO’s) shirt that I ironed, just before my family headed out to church. The picture made me smile and I thought of how many times I have had to negotiate with my sons to get their attention or to do something so that my parenting objective is met- It is important to note that negotiations or what you may call finding a ‘middle ground’ started in their adolescent years (ages 13-18). Don’t judge me or my son, MO, who is 18. He knows how to iron his shirt but I had to do this so that he could fulfill his side of our agreement- he gets moving so that we are not late to ‘in person’ church service while I iron his shirt. My objective during this summer break was to get my adult son to regain the discipline of attending church service ‘in person’ again, This was important to me since he will be starting a new college and campus in a few days. That Sunday my objective was met and I was a happy camper. In my past 18 years experience of raising 21st century boys, I would say raising them requires an ‘upper hand’ when they are much younger and tact as they go through their later teen years and early adult years.

Boys are different from girls, beyond a doubt and I have found that raising them requires a different tactic from raising girls. I don’t believe that boys should be raised with ‘machismo’ style of parenting while the girls are conditioned to believe that they are primarily responsible for chores and meals- i try my best to have both my boys and girl do the same chores from laundry to cleaning to cooking.. I believe that eventually, boys catch up on tasks/chores/responsibilities if we don’t give up on them, as parents, and I have found that raising them requires a different tactic from raising girls. I don’t believe that boys should be raised with ‘machismo’ style of parenting while the girls are conditioned to believe that they are primarily responsible for chores and meals- i try my best to have both my boys and girl do the same chores from laundry to cleaning to cooking.. I believe that eventually boys catch up on tasks/chores/responsibilities if we don’t give up on them, as parents, and are consistent and intentional about our parenting. Here are some tips that have worked for me in parenting my boys.

1. CREATE A ROUTINE EARLIER ON- Even as a spontaneous person, I knew, from day one, that a routine was necessary for my boys. For example, I quickly found out that a school with a structured curriculum, even at pre-school level was a ‘must’ for my son. Find out what works for you and your child
2. MODEL LOVE AND EXPRESS LOVE: Men, historically, have been raised not to show expression or emotions, to be considered ‘real’ men. I don’t agree with this. For me, men that show empathy and their vulnerability are ‘real’ men. I hug my boys, kiss them on the cheeks, show up at every event, even when they show lack of interest or tell me not to attend. Find ways to demonstrate or show
   ‘love’ ( being kind, considerate, loving, giving, etc) to your boys. Modeling love so that our boys see it in action can help them become loving and responsible husbands, fathers, co-workers, positive male role-models, and citizens in the future.

3. GIVE THEM OPPORTUNITIES TO TAKE ON RESPONSIBILITIES AND DON’T JUDGE THEM: Our boys want us to trust them. Yes, they may make mistakes but they want us to let them take ownership of their decisions, especially in their later teen years. Responsibilities like finding a job, selecting their college or who they want to date is something they don’t want you as a parent to pry into. They will come looking for you when they need you or are stranded. Your son will come to you if he considers it a ‘safe haven,’ which is built on the foundation of love and two-way communication that should have cultivated earlier on, from childhood through pre-adolescent years.
4. HAVE A PARTNER IN PARENTING BOYS: it takes more than just one parent to raise boys or any child. Find someone your son looks up to or respects, such as the other parent or his grand father or mother, or uncle, or a someone that you trust that can fulfil that supportive role when needed, because there will be times when you are at your wit’s end, and just need a break or breather.

Raising boys gets better over time. You don’t have to look dazed or stressed out. You will definitely have happy moments but remember that you are not alone in your parenting journey. Find a ‘middle ground’ and make it work!!!

‘I JUST WANT TO SAY YOU HAVE AMAZING AND WELL BEHAVED KIDS.’

It’s been a while since I and my 3 ‘babies’ travelled together on the same flight m, and if my memory serves me right, the last time I took a trip along with them was 2 years ago. This isn’t particularly due to limited opportunities caused by the COVID 19 pandemic, but let’s just say my babies, particularly my teens, don’t like to ‘tag along’ any more 😞.

Last week, I jetted with my children to our base, and had the chance to reflect on my parenting journey, while I watched several parents with little children, either run after a toddler or feed a baby or lead another to the restroom. As I watched on, I couldn’t help to think of how challenging but worthwhile my journey has been.

At the end of the several hours of our flight, a woman, who was on the final leg of our journey and had been observing my children, beckoned to me and said, ‘I just want to say that you have amazing and well behaved kids.’ This is a comment I get not only when I am on air trips with my children, but each time i hear it, it gives me an indescribable feeling i.e. a ‘pat on the back’ that reminds me that we have done some things right but then another voice whispers in my ears, ‘the journey isn’t over…😆.’ Can a long-life contract like parenting ever be over?

As we walked to ‘baggage claim’ to pick our bags, I thought of how ‘we’ have been intentional about ‘parenting our ‘babies.’’ I like how Jon Helmkamp, a contributor at ‘ Huffpost’ explained ‘parenting’ in his ‘8 ways to be Intentional about parenting’ article. Parenting is building a relationship, with your child, that takes thought, self sacrifice, love, compassion and intentionality.’ We must continually strive to be intentional about parenting.

I will conclude and say:

It takes a village. I can’t take credit for this type of comment that I get often. From ‘ day 1,’ ‘our’ village has included our parents, family, teachers, support staff, and advisors that have been instrumental in helping us parent intentionally. All thanks to God, who says we are merely ‘caregivers.’

To every parent that has been intentional about raising a child with values that result in such becoming a responsible, respectful and thoughtful citizen in today’s world, Well done!! Keep going!!! You have an amazing and well behaved kid!!!

‘I WILL, I WILL. I PROMISE I WILL PAY IT FORWARD’

A few hours ago, I walked into a grocery store to pick up some ‘last minute’ groceries and was at the till to pay, when I realized that I didn’t have my savings card. I told the cashier.. “I left my savings card in my car, please take the next person.” The unassuming man, behind me, who was next in line said ‘I will like to pay for your groceries.’ I was somewhat embarrassed but heard what was said clearly and replied ‘Oh no, no, no, you don’t have to do this. I actually have the cash to pay.” He replied “no, i would like to… someone did it to me, and I would like to do the same… ‘ I was reluctant to concede but he moved towards the cashier and asked how much the bill was. My groceries were paid for, while I tried to relieve what had just happened. Still in shock but didn’t forget my manners, I quickly thanked him and added a ‘God bless you’ salutation. The cashier, who witnessed the experience thanked him as well and noted he was a regular customer at the store. “Thank you…God bless you,’ one more time, I blurted out to this stranger, and his response, ‘JUST PAY IT FORWARD.’

In reflecting on this experience, I smiled and had some thoughts run through my mind:

1. hhmn… ( in pidgin language) when God wan bless you… others go join mouth to thank God for you and even those that God use to bless you.
2. Thinking about it: this is not the first time this has happened to me… this happened to me about 5 years ago in the grocery store too 😂. Every time it happens, it inspires and motivates me to be the best version of myself.
3. I have to share this story to encourage anyone out there- there are still very good people in our world.

At some point, I felt guilty for accepting this kind gesture, then reassured myself: “It was okay to have accepted this stranger’s request and resolved that “even though it is more blessed to give than to receive, it is also okay to receive a blessing.”

Yep, I am reminded by a stranger today to endeavor to PAY IT FORWARD. To the kind hearted fellow thar made my day today: ‘I WILL, I WILL… I PROMISE I WILL PAY IT FORWARD 🍷 🙏🏿’