RAISING BOYS- FINDING A MIDDLE GROUND TO MAKE YOUR PARENT- SON RELATIONSHIP WORK
Two Sundays ago, I took this photo of my older son’s (MO’s) shirt that I ironed, just before my family headed out to church. The picture made me smile and I thought of how many times I have had to negotiate with my sons to get their attention or to do something so that my parenting objective is met- It is important to note that negotiations or what you may call finding a ‘middle ground’ started in their adolescent years (ages 13-18). Don’t judge me or my son, MO, who is 18. He knows how to iron his shirt but I had to do this so that he could fulfill his side of our agreement- he gets moving so that we are not late to ‘in person’ church service while I iron his shirt. My objective during this summer break was to get my adult son to regain the discipline of attending church service ‘in person’ again, This was important to me since he will be starting a new college and campus in a few days. That Sunday my objective was met and I was a happy camper. In my past 18 years experience of raising 21st century boys, I would say raising them requires an ‘upper hand’ when they are much younger and tact as they go through their later teen years and early adult years.
Boys are different from girls, beyond a doubt and I have found that raising them requires a different tactic from raising girls. I don’t believe that boys should be raised with ‘machismo’ style of parenting while the girls are conditioned to believe that they are primarily responsible for chores and meals- i try my best to have both my boys and girl do the same chores from laundry to cleaning to cooking.. I believe that eventually, boys catch up on tasks/chores/responsibilities if we don’t give up on them, as parents, and I have found that raising them requires a different tactic from raising girls. I don’t believe that boys should be raised with ‘machismo’ style of parenting while the girls are conditioned to believe that they are primarily responsible for chores and meals- i try my best to have both my boys and girl do the same chores from laundry to cleaning to cooking.. I believe that eventually boys catch up on tasks/chores/responsibilities if we don’t give up on them, as parents, and are consistent and intentional about our parenting. Here are some tips that have worked for me in parenting my boys.
- CREATE A ROUTINE EARLIER ON- Even as a spontaneous person, I knew, from day one, that a routine was necessary for my boys. For example, I quickly found out that a school with a structured curriculum, even at pre-school level was a ‘must’ for my son. Find out what works for you and your child
- MODEL LOVE AND EXPRESS LOVE: Men, historically, have been raised not to show expression or emotions, to be considered ‘real’ men. I don’t agree with this. For me, men that show empathy and their vulnerability are ‘real’ men. I hug my boys, kiss them on the cheeks, show up at every event, even when they show lack of interest or tell me not to attend. Find ways to demonstrate or show
‘love’ ( being kind, considerate, loving, giving, etc) to your boys. Modeling love so that our boys see it in action can help them become loving and responsible husbands, fathers, co-workers, positive male role-models, and citizens in the future.
- GIVE THEM OPPORTUNITIES TO TAKE ON RESPONSIBILITIES AND DON’T JUDGE THEM: Our boys want us to trust them. Yes, they may make mistakes but they want us to let them take ownership of their decisions, especially in their later teen years. Responsibilities like finding a job, selecting their college or who they want to date is something they don’t want you as a parent to pry into. They will come looking for you when they need you or are stranded. Your son will come to you if he considers it a ‘safe haven,’ which is built on the foundation of love and two-way communication that should have cultivated earlier on, from childhood through pre-adolescent years.
- HAVE A PARTNER IN PARENTING BOYS: it takes more than just one parent to raise boys or any child. Find someone your son looks up to or respects, such as the other parent or his grand father or mother, or uncle, or a someone that you trust that can fulfil that supportive role when needed, because there will be times when you are at your wit’s end, and just need a break or breather.
Raising boys gets better over time. You don’t have to look dazed or stressed out. You will definitely have happy moments but remember that you are not alone in your parenting journey. Find a ‘middle ground’ and make it work!!!
